#6 Decluttering

Hello Again,

I have a little, blue-green, retro fan in my room that I run basically whenever I'm in the room. And appearantly that's too often, because it's beginning to sound, on occasion, like it's struggling.

Something I've often struggled with is the relationship between emotions and objects. I would often see them as almost one in the same,  not sure why. I often collect little souvenirs from trips and events and hang outs I've had with friends: like my ferry ticket, acorns from under the tree we ate next to, even a pencil or a string a friend gave me. Some items are more sentimental, deeply sentimental. Like items that belonged to my mother, who died when I was thirteen,  or little statues or stuffed animals that belonged to my great grandma.

This was a big issue for me,  and I didn't realize it until the last few years. I'd not only keep those sentimental things, I'd keep clothes that had holes in them so big that they couldn't be worn. I would keep candy wrappers I thought were pretty and meaningful advice from fortune cookies, which isn't bad unless it sits on a shelf or in a drawer for years like mine did. There were so many things I owned that I never used.  This is the longest I've ever lived somewhere,  and Mom wasn't here anymore to encourage me to get rid of what I don't need. It's up to me. I let it slip past me,  through depression and 5 years of grief, and before I knew it,  I had a ton of stuff. I somehow justified the clutter, for a time. But eventually it got to be too much,  way too much.

I had trouble,  and sometimes still do,  getting anything done. It just feels impossible sometimes. When it comes to my goals,  I beat myself up until I give up, at least for a time, and then in my life I beat myself up for not meeting unrealistic expectations even though I sometimes can't even start the project and a few hours of progress is better than none . . . I don't even know what I just said.

I think at some point I woke up to the lie I'd been telling myself. I still have the memories and I still have some of the people, I don't need a bunch of junk, just the meaningful gifts and hand-me-downs, not the things meant to be used that you'll never use, like expired makeup. My mom handed down some of her makeup to me and some of her scrunchies, and while it's more than okay for me to wear her scrunchies, I came to realize that the bag of expired makeup I can't use was just sitting on a shelf. I know she loved me,  and I still love her, and throwing away that bag of old makeup won't change that. I keep the bracelets she bought me that I love, and the rocks we painted together. I keep the scarf she crocheted for me, and a few of her stuffed animals.  I keep what's most meaningful. 

I have a room full of garbage bags to deal with now,  and I'm not even done yet. I've set aside some good quality things that I believe could bring people joy, items I hope that they will love, like clothes,  stuffed animals, trinkets. Then I go through what's left and toss whatever I can live without. Then I organize what's left. I have a lot less stuff now, and I can't wait until it's done and I can toss it all in a dumpster. I'm also a little frightened that it won't be enough. I feel guilty throwing things away, but finally I am being objective and looking at things from a less emotional standpoint. I am getting rid of almost everything that's not going to be used, loved, or painfully missed. I'm keeping the sentimental, the hand me downs, the things from my loved ones and the things I bought myself that I love, and I'm tossing the clutter.

I don't know if I'll ever feel like I have a manageable amount of things. That's what I want. Not to throw away precious things,  but to keep them and throw away things from my old life, things that no longer fit me and my new life.

I've found that it's easier to clean with disposable gloves and that it's a lot better to have just want you want,  need,  and use, than to keep what you don't. It's easier to clean already, too. I can't wait to finish deep cleaning my room and rearrange my furniture. It's felt impossible for a while. I finally have progress. I have hope. I have a happy, peaceful future in mind.

-V